Vacay & A New Perspective

Just got back from a much-needed vacation. Somehow, even when I leave work for a few days I still manage to work overtime. Disgusting.

I have been a total tool lately, freaking out about current job, future job/career, money, being a good friend, fitness & weight, and life in general. I tend to take myself way too seriously and have unreasonably high expectations of myself. It's dumb, and frustrating, and I get myself nowhere in the long run. Some of it comes from comparing myself to others, but a lot of it comes from not know what I want to do or be when I grow up. I'm confounded by too many options.

One of my best friends is about to turn pro at mountain biking and is considering Olympic competition, along with going back to school for an entirely new professional direction. My sister is looking at med schools, another friend is living in Africa working in crisis zones, and another is getting married and will probably buy a house soon. There are so many directions to go that I can't even think of which way I should ponder taking a step. It's like back in college when they tell you to pick a major. The blessing and curse that I bear is that I'm interested in everything, passionate about nothing, competent at just about anything and master of nothing.

This indecision does not mesh well with my recent discovery that I am super uncomfortable about not having a plan in front of me and a certain level of financial and social stability.

Hence, I needed a vacation to step out of my head and get some perspective. Thankfully, I went to visit my friend who lives in the mountains in a shack by a river, so I had access to all new points of view from the top of Lion's Head, Mount of the Holy Cross, Vail Nature Center, and the depths of Eagle River. Colorado is so gorgeous from all different angles that it's hard not to lose yourself in its beauty.

The outdoor excursions also helped me to realize my own strength. My first day at altitude I was able to climb and bike short distances, and by my fourth day I climbed my first 14er, Mount of the Holy Cross, one of the more difficult and steeper 14ers in the state. It's been a relief to me to find that no matter how much I may doubt my skills and abilities, my body has not yet failed me. I can play full rugby games, run from Madison to Chicago, and kick ass at triathlons without killing myself. Its comforting to know that I CAN do strength and endurance sports at a competitive level, and that will at least get me somewhere. If only I could get the same level of confidence in my brain and abilities and I will for cereal start to kick some ass.

So, post-vacation I am still no closer to figuring out where I am (other than back home) and where I want to be (Boston? Policy work? School?), but I am refreshed an re-energized, and am starting to chill the fuck out. I may or may not be on the right path now, but I will find it eventually, and my body and brain will see me through. I just have to sack up and go for it.